i am literally horny with fear.

This week on Make It or Break It: little girls with misplaced star boob pasty leotards.

Hilarious.  This week, we start at the Rock, in what is realistically the only bit of gymnastics we'll see in the entire episode.

Lovely splits, Kaylie.  Really.  It's not totally obvious you were a cheerleader.  Not that I hate cheerleaders, or whatever, but as such, your splits suck.  It's just the rule of cheerleading.  Also, your back handsprings have to be terrifying.  That is the second rule. 

Creepy Carter starts us off by staring at Kaylie while she bends over.  Filthy.  Every thing about this kid gives me the booboo-jeebees.  He makes me think I'm watching some Lifetime movie about the I-5 Killer (which was an AWESOME movie, btw) instead of a show about elite level gymnastics.  It's a good thing he eventually moved to Denver, because it's clear that he was about *thisclose* to slaying every girl from the Rock.

In lieu of actual communication, Creepy Carter and Kaylie have resorting to drawing each other messages in the chalk bin.  That grosses me out on so many levels.  Fingers in the chalk bin freak me out.  They just do.  Like, I just imagine chalky fingernails scraping against the plastic, and that upsets me.  Why can't he send her a million text messages like he normally does?  Kaylie, eager to read whatever fascinating message Creepy has left her, tries to run off to the chalk box, but is stopped by her dad, Shiny.  He could totally pass as Daddy Warbucks.

Kaylie explains that she needs to go across the gym to that one specific chalk bin first.  The Rock probably has just that one chalk bin.  Alas, she is too late, because some slut who was actually doing gymnastics had the audacity to chalk up before her, therefore ruining Creepy's precious message.  That whore.  The couple initiate Plan B, which is to meet by the water cooler instead.  So Kaylie stretches, chalks up, just so she can go get a drink?  Winners at the Rock.  Creepy chews her out for not immediately responding to his chalk message.  If you guys can easily just stand around and chit chat by the water cooler, then why bother with the chalk box?  Kaylie, with her surplus of controlling men, leaves Creepy hanging when Shiny demands she come and finish/start her workout.  I guess he's coaching her now.

She starts on FX, and performs her cheerleader pass of front handspring- front handspring- roundoff-Shushunova.   She's totally going to make it to the Olympics with that pass.  Her dad tries to give her some shitty International Gymnast Forum critique, which she rightly blows off as being useless.  Payson, totally blown away by such strict, demanding coaching, compares Shiny to Bela Karolyi. Nice name check, writers. Kaylie is totally over her dad being a hardass, while Payson and Emily stand around and do nothing.

In order to remedy the coaching situation, we see Daddy Tanner driving out to Bumfuck, California.  He rolls up to this super isolated cabin and happens upon a handsome young gentleman.

Daddy Tanner apologizes for showing up out of the blue, but it was because Handsome Young Gentlemen, who we learn is one Sasha Belov, wouldn't return his phone calls.  Sasha calmly explains that, despite what most of Boulder seems to think, it is not OK to stalk and harass other people.  No means no.

Not to Daddy Tanner it doesn't.  He infodumps that Sasha has been AWOL for 5 years.  I'm confused, and have been for some time now.  So, we learn in this episode, and from others, that Sasha won the Olympics in 1996, then went off to coach Romania (???) to an Olympic gold.  He also managed to "reinvent the sport."  Now he's been AWOL for 5 years.  How old is he supposed to be??  I mean, he cannot be more than mid-thirties, tops.  I don't get this at all.

Daddy tries to buy him off, but it doesn't work.  Sasha explains to Daddy that the only way he would have been even a little bit interested was if the Rock team was intact.  Why bother coaching the losers in Denver when one could coach the ROCK GIRLS??  All that said with a straight face.

On the beam, Kaylie does the funniest little fake switch leap thingie I've ever seen.  Then we see Kaylie's stunt double do like 5 more real switch leaps, which I guess Shiny is appalled by.

I am too, a little bit.  It's not until Shiny yells at her to smile more, that Kaylie finally loses it and freaks out at her dad for being such a horrible coach.  Good thing Daddy Tanner shows up at that exact moment with a remedy.  He rolls up with Skanky Lauren, and immediately turns into Smarmy Daddy by telling the Rock kids that they're going to want to buy what he's selling, while refusing to tell them what that is exactly.  Shiny and the girls are all "Fuck that" and tell Daddy, in no uncertain terms, that he is a piece of shit. 

When who should walk in through the garage door of drama but Sasha Belov.  GASP!  Payson starts panting, while everyone stares in disbelief. 

The adults race up to the Rock office to bitch about it.  Shiny is telling Daddy to GTFO, but Daddy seems to think that since he brought Sasha that everyone should kiss his ass.

Kaylie is also unhappy with the presented offer.  She'd rather have her dad make her occasionally do gymnastics than have to spend her time at the gym with Lauren.  Payson reminds them that they're currently coach-less and are on the fast-track to gaining like 50 lbs, because no one ever seems to work out anymore.

The adults are still fighting, so Sasha peaces out and exits the office.  Meanwhile, Lauren is sucking up to some random SAG 5-worder.  Ooh, that'll show Kaylie.  Which it totally does, because Kaylie is all butthurt that Lauren, the girl she hates, is talking to another girl.  BOULDER ASSHOLES ARE SO POSSESSIVE.  Lauren then hits on Creepy, which he kind of goes along with because he's pissed at Kaylie because she won't give him head in the middle of the gym with her dad watching.  That poor girl.

Payson freaks out when she sees that Sasha is leaving.  She sprints out the door after him, and begs him to stay.

How could you possibly say no to this gang of freaks? 

Sasha takes pity on these wayward girls, and asks them to get their parents to stop being such dipshits.  Immediately, we see the results, when the parents are relegated to the observation room.  OH NOES! 

"No parents on the floor.  That's a new one," whines Shiny.  IT SHOULDN'T BE.  It should be a very, very old one.  

Sasha gives a speech to the gym about how from here on out, they're going to eat, breathe, shit, and sleep gymnastics.  Payson's thrilled, Emily's all "poor me, what about my job?" while Kaylie wonders when she'll have time to stand around and draw messages in the chalk bin with Creepy Carter.  Poor thing.  Kaylie's pissed, and concludes that the only way to feel better is to go chug a huge, calorie-laden smoothie from the Moose Juice, or whatever the fuck it's called.  Lauren, being a ho, audibly invites her new SAG friends to accompany HER to the Moose Moose.  That'll piss Kaylie off alright.  But Kaylie has an excellent plan.  She loudly invites Emily to the Loose Moose, which she rightly assumes will give Lauren a rage stroke.  It does.  

Kaylie, Payson and Emily show up to the Juicy Moose.  Emily tells Kaylie that she knows the only reason she was invited was to piss off Lauren, but that she's cool with it.  The other girls meekly deny it, but Emily's not stupid.  Well, kind of.  But in this case, she's aware of the situation.  Lauren and her new SAG friends roll up and sit at a nearby table.  One of the SAG girls loudly wishes Lauren a happy birthday, and for a hot second, Payson and Kaylie feel bad.  Lauren and the SAGs continue to speak very loudly about Lauren's dinner plans that evening.  She's totally pumped about having a one-on-one dinner with Daddy at some fancy French place.  A little too pumped.  She seems obsessed with her father in the way that most Boulder residents need to be creepy and obsessed with someone.  

Kaylie continues to bitch about Lauren, but also mentions that she's maxed out in the stress department.  Which is totally understandable, seeing as how her life is filled with insane people.  Lauren is trying to ruin her life, her dad is a psycho slave driver, and her boyfriend is some stalker who wants to do her in the chalk bin.  So naturally, when some random hot guy hands her a flyer to the upcoming keg party, she's excited to oblige.  

The Blast Off Keg Party?  Really?  Who calls it a "keg party?"  Kaylie, never having been to a party before, isn't aware that this looks totally lame, and therefore gets super excited to go.  She begs Payson to come with her, but Payson's too good for that shit and says no.  She turns to Emily, and asks if she's ever been to a party before.  Emily says yes, and while sometimes they're fun, sometimes they're stupid.  SAME WITH YOU.  I miss when Emily was cool.  Payson still isn't down with it, so Kaylie cuntily asks Emily to attend with her instead. Jesus, Kaylie is kind of a bitch in this episode.  I like it.  

Payson, not one to be left out, finally caves and decides to go to this stupid party.  The homely women sitting between their table and Lauren's is thrilled.  

Lauren obviously overhears all of this, and isn't happy.  Emily, aware of her position in this new group, delivers her own version of a delightful bitchface.  

Watching only this scene, one would think Emily was tolerable and cool.  That facade is quickly dropped as soon as Emily walks through the door of her apartment.  Without even saying hi to Sometimes There Brian, she immediately begins to rant about how hard her life is.  Brian meekly mentions that their phone was cut off, which means HORROR OF ALL HORRORS, the internet has also been shut off.  That is the worst thing that could possibly happen.  I'm not even being sarcastic.  You do not want to see me when there is a glitch in internet service.  I do not handle it well. 

At that moment, Bitchface Chloe waltzes through the door bearing gifts.  Emily immediately berates her mother for thoughtfully buying her a new dress.

Over at the Keelor's, Payson's parents are reading Sasha's book, and continue to infodump that Sasha beat Marty at the Olympics, and that he became the greatest coach ever, blah blah blah blah.  Apparently, Sasha is supposed to be the "James Bond version of Bela Karolyi."  Ooh, the writers must TOTALLY know about gymnastics, because they know who Bela Karolyi is.  My dad knows who Bela Karolyi is.  And yeah, he calls him Bera Carol, but all the same, it does not take a gymnastics enthusiast to know who the man is.  Payson's mom continues the epic Wikipedia fail when she bitches about Bela forcing Kerri to vault on her broken ankle.  WRONG WRONG SO WRONG. 

Payson's parents wish their daughter was normal, as opposed to being a total weirdo.  At that exact moment, Payson walks in, and informs her parents that she will be attending a party that evening.  She won't drink, won't drive, probably won't have any fun.  Her parents are just thrilled. 

Seriously, be happy that your daughter isn't "normal."  The normal ones have boys sneaking into their laundry rooms, are banging everything in sight, or getting preggo by some loser wannabe artist.  Be grateful that she's just plain weird old Payson. 

At Kaylie's place, Leo storms into Kaylie's bedroom, seeking refuge from their insane father.  Kaylie is busy getting ready for the evening's slutfest, aka the keg party.  She asks her brother for outfit advice, which is uncomfortable.  He dutifully explains to her that keg parties are for losers, and that she'll only be surrounded by drunk guys who want to get in her pants.  You know, totally unlike her everyday life.

Speaking of out-of-control freaks, Kaylie gets a text from Creepy Carter.

Obviously, by window he means vagina.  Filthy.  Kaylie rightly lies to him, and texts back that she's stuck at home for the night.  She and Leo get into a sex talk, which he is appropriately horrified by.

At the Kmetko's, Emily comes back from... wherever she was, and wonders where her mother is.  Sometimes There Brian explains that Bitchface Chloe was slut-shamed into returning the items.  All of them, except for the gifts she bought for her children.  What a horrible mother.  Brian gets to keep his DVD, while Emily gets to keep her blue parachute dress.

When Bitchface Chloe gets home, Brian informs her that Emily has been in bathroom for hours.  Bitchface concludes that the only possible explanation is that Emily finally got her period. 

Brian immediately corrects his mother, and informs her that gymnasts don't get their periods.  "Not enough body fat."

ORLY?  Ok, while that might be true of a small, ever-decreasing number of athletes, these girls obviously do not qualify.  I don't even know what else to say, other than this bit made me want to break my TV. 

Emily finally exits the bathroom, all dolled up with makeup and everything.  Her brother tells her that she looks "smokin' hot!" and that just weirds me out to pieces. 

Bitchface Chloe gets all verklempt, and races off to find lip gloss for her ungrateful daughter.

At the party, the three girls stand around, totally unaware of what they're supposed to do.  Kaylie wants beer, pronto.  She doesn't, however, want to wait in line for beer with all the normal losers.  She asks if they have more than one keg.  I'm sure the coverless, "all you can drink!" kegger has just that one.

Lauren and her jugs sit down for a fancy dinner with Daddy Tanner.  She orders the maitre d to remove the mysterious third setting at their table.  Whoever is it there for?  Daddy explains that Sister Mary Summer will be joining them, and Lauren has a meltdown.

Back at the Val-party, I mean keg party, Emily stands around all alone, waiting for someone to approach her.  She asks some random dude if she "looks like a freak."  Well, now you do.  He stares at her rack until that weiner kid Razor shows up to save her.

Emily can sense the creepiness, so she wisely covers up with her shawl.  Who wears a black shawl with a blue dress?  She's all modest until another fellow joins the group.

Emily thrusts open her shawl for what is our introduction to Demon, who is a friend/bandmate of Razor's.  We sit through some painfully awkward dialogue, where we can gather that Razor has been telling all of his friends about Emily.  That's not weird at all.

Back at dinner, Daddy Tanner presents Lauren with a really fancy expensive charm, which she in no way deserves.  She moans and groans as if it were an engagement ring.

I love her hair in this episode.  Daddy fucks up, and tells Lauren that Summer was the one who picked out all of her gifts.  Like any teenage girl, let alone the insane ones, is going to be OK with that?  Lauren obviously is not, and storms out of the restaurant.  But not before giving her spendy ass bracelet to the maitre d, encouraging him to use it to get laid.  And that sums up our dinner of inappropriate awkwardness.

At the party, Kaylie is getting loaded.  She is totally one of those annoying drunks who gets all handsy and thinks everyone is her BFF.

She gets all excited about the band, which consists of Razor, Demon, and the Creepies.  It's not an ABC Family show without the requisite concert scene.

While Payson admonishes Emily for being a total groupie, Kaylie is off being AWESOME.  She's surrounded by a circle of drunks, who are cheering her on as she does a drunken press kegstand.

Like, don't even front.  If you are a gymnast, and you tell me you HAVEN'T done this, you are lying.  So stop being a liar.  Drunken gymnastics is a true staple of any party.

Kaylie is having a gay old time, until that loser assface Creepy Carter shows up.  Naturally, he's upset that she left her cage and is having any sort of social interaction without him.

I just don't want to see his face anymore. 

Creepy continues to be an obsessive, possessive nutbag, and takes all of Kaylie's rational explanations and uses them against her.  She says she needs to have fun, and he takes that to mean that she doesn't have any fun at all with him, ever.  Which is probably true, but still.  In a fit, he suggests that they take a break.  GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE.  Poor Kaylie.  It's not her fault that everyone in her life is nuts. 

As the party wraps up, everyone dumps into Leo's car.  Razor and Demon stare as Emily gets into the front seat, and wonder who the fuck Leo is.  Razor tells Demon that he's off to do some roadie gig for awhile, and asks if he'll cover for him at the Pizza Shack.  As someone who has worked in the restaurant industry for a long, long, long, long, long, long time, I am fairly certain that in order to have someone cover for you at work, they must actually be employed by said restaurant.  Whatever.  He also asks Demon to keep an eye on Emily, because that's what all men in Boulder do: they keep track of their women.  

In the car, Kaylie is pretty close to blowing chunks in the backseat.  Poor Payson is stuck back there with her while Emily enjoys her luxurious ride in the front seat.

Among the stragglers at the party are Lauren and Creepy Carter.  Oh yeah, Lauren's there now.  I suppose since she was so upset about Daddy, she felt the need to drive off and be super destructive.  Lauren spots Creepy sitting all alone, and saunters up to him.  They sit together and obsess over Kaylie. 

They bitch about how Kaylie is just "all about herself."  This coming from the girl who ruined everyone's lives because she didn't place in the top 3, and the guy who takes Kaylie being stressed about her dad really super personally.  Assholes.  They decide that in order to share their misery, they should just bone.  And they do.

Kaylie passes out in the car while Leo drops the girls off.  He insists on walking Emily to her door, while I wonder what the hell every boy in Boulder sees in her.  After dropping everyone off, he dutifully helps Kaylie into her bed.  She moans about how she doesn't deserve her brother (yes) or Creepy Carter (no.)  Leo tells her to chill out, and reassures her that Creepy is fucking obsessed with her.  She should just text him in the morning, and everything will be just fine.  Kaylie assumes that "in the morning" actually means "right now" and texts Creepy immediately.  

At the party, Lauren and Creepy wrap up their boning.  Creepy just wants to get the fuck out of dodge, and Lauren fronts like she's OK with that.  Aww, poor slutty Lauren.  That's what you get for boning your BFF's BF.  After he leaves, she hears a mysterious cell phone go off, and hunts madly for the source of the ringing.  Smashed way down between the couch cushions is Creepy Carter's phone, which has a brand new text from Kaylie on it, saying that she's sorry.  Lauren, being insane, obviously plans to keep Creepy's cell phone forever.  Lauren sits there with her jugs hanging out, looking pathetic and lonely.  End scene.  

What a boring episode.  Teen girls get drunk, boys fight over teen girls.  This is some revolutionary stuff.  

Until next time, may your kegs be full and your jugs hang free!

sour patch kids are just gummy bears that turned to drugs

Click to enlarge

This is driving me nuts.  I was surfing around on random gymnasts' home pages, as one does, and I ended up seeing this picture on Kamerin Moore's website.  This is chalked full of stars, we just have to find them.

So far, I see:

1. Jordyn Wieber (3rd row, second from the right)
2. Gabby Douglas (1st row, 5th from right)
3. Amanda Jetter (4th row, 3rd from left) Good find AG!
4. Mckenzie Wofford (2nd row, 2nd from right)
5. Hallie Mossett (3rd row, 7th from right)
6. Kennedy Baker (2nd from the right, 1st row)
7. Elizabeth Price (2nd row, 6th from left)
8. Desi Borgese (2nd row, 4th from the left)
9. Lily Hardin (4th row, 6th from left)
10. Aly Raisman (4th row, 4th from left)
11. Emily Schein (1st row, 6th from left)
12. Mackenzie Brannan (1st row, 3rd from left)
13. Tia Albritten ( 2nd row, 5th from left) Thank you Sixmaxwells!
14. Melissa Chuang (4th row, 5th from right)
15. Kamerin Moore (2nd row, 5th from right)
16. Casey Dreyer (3rd row, 3rd from right)

So help a bitch out.  Who are these girls?

**I'm just updating this list with what you're giving me in the comments.  That's why Spannyfans are the best!  They do the shit that I cannot.**

****Now we have a LIST. Thanks to Bekah, we have the 2005 TOP team list. ****

ok, can we just talk about the jewish elephant in the room?

Let me apologize for this departure from my normal subject matter.  I'd much rather write about leotards and bad hair and hilarious ABC Family shows.  However, given recent events, I feel it's important that we, the gymnastics community, continue to focus our efforts on eradicating these people.

And by these people, I mean the perverts. 

It's terrible and horrifying and no one wants to think about it.  But there are a number of creepers out there who, left to their own devices, will do whatever they want.  The police and authorities cannot be everywhere all the time, but we, the gymnastics community, can help.

A few weeks ago, I was linked to a gym video on Youtube.  It was your totally normal, run of the mill Khorkina splat montage video.  Nothing strange about that at all.  However, on the side of the page, you know how Youtube suggests videos that are similar?  There was one titled something like "Gymnastics Ass" or something equally nasty.  Why I clicked on it, I don't know, but I'm glad I did.  I found what was an entire channel of close up home videos of gymnasts at meets.  And make no mistake, they were not videos of the routines.  That's all I'm going to say.  Granted, they appeared to be mostly NCAA gymnasts, but still.  That shit is fucking gross, and it's wrong. 

This exact same issue happened in my very own high school, about a year after I graduated.  The main girls being filmed were fifteen.   This sort of behavior certainly does not abide by age laws. 

I immediately reported the Youtube page, and posted the link on Twitter, hoping others would do the same.  They did.  GGMB took action IMMEDIATELY, and had the entire page removed by the time I woke up the next morning.  Such is the power of the gymnastics community.  Say what you want about GGMB, but those bitches got shit done.  In record time.  And they continue to bring these issues to light, so that fewer gymnasts become victims of these nasty pervert assholes. 

Members of GGMB went so far as to contact the FBI Cyber Crimes Against Children Division, and came back with these suggestions on how we, the community, can help.

If you find a website with inappropriate photos or videos:
1. Report the site to the host (e.g., YouTube, Go Daddy, etc.)
2. File a complaint with the Internet Crime Complaint Center http://www.ic3.gov/default.aspx. This will allow the FBI to begin a formal investigation, track the IP address and identify the site owner.


If you witness or suspect inappropriate photo/video taking IN PERSON:
Call the police and report the person. The police will have to file an incident report. They can also ask the man to show them his camera (of course he doesn't have to comply, but that's irrelevant for our purposes). The agent told me that they have caught many offenders (a shocking number according to her) simply by asking to see their cameras or computers, scrolling through the pictures and finding child pornography on the device. Reporting the person therefore accomplishes three goals: the possibility of finding child pornography, starting the all important paper trail, and harassing them so that they know not to come back.

I copy/pasted this from GGMB, and I implore anyone reading this to copy it from here, and paste it wherever.  The more people who are aware means the more people who can help.  

Instead of being the whiny, annoying gymnastics community, let's be the awesome, vigilante gymnastics community that gets shit done. 

allow me to ladle you a piping hot bowl of this is how it is.

The 2011 World Gymnastics Championships All Around Finals, or How I Learned to Stop Loving Gymnastics and Start Hating Everyone.

It's time like these I wonder what it would have been like had there been internet after the 1992 AA finals.

It's been about two weeks since Wieber beat out Komova by a mere .033, and for the most part, things have settled down.  So why do I even need to write this blog?  My intention, two weeks ago when I capped these pictures, was to do a SCAM-like comparison in order to shut all of the nay-sayers up.  However, since then, the majority of people really have come around, so this seems kind of pointless.  But whatever, I'm bored.  Deal with it.

We'll start with vault.  This event was a treat to watch.  Although Jordyn underperformed her Amanar, for her, she still had her typical beautiful form and tight rotation.  A sub-par vault from Jordyn is equivalent to an awesome vault by most other people.  The landing was a little "clunky," was Tim Dagget would say, which resulted in a sizable step.

I love that I can watch Jordyn do Amanars all day long, and never fear for her life.  I can't say the same for everybody.  Viktoria followed with a lovely DTY.  Her form is very un-Russian, in that it in no way resembles an octopus spinning through the air.  Legs pasted together, no crossing, pretty toes.  She didn't get a ton of distance from the table, but still managed to land relatively upright.  Despite a decent chest position, she still took a noticeable step/slide backwards. 

Vika had a smaller landing error than Jordyn, but since the COP values the Amanar as being one billion points harder than the DTY, Jordyn comes out with the edge on this event.  Despite this being fairly obvious, I have still read the random criticism blasting how "unfair" it is because Jordyn's start value is so much harder.  I know, right?  You can't make this shit up.  Where were these people last year when Russia racked up the points using multiple Amanars (debatable, but that's another rant for another time.)  I thought that was the whole point of this stupid new COP: let's see who can do the most hard shit.  Whatever.  

Click to enlarge, if need be.

Bars.  Not Jordyn's greatest outing.  That said, it wasn't nearly the trainwreck that everyone made it out to be.  She went WAAAAY over on her clear hip 1/1, which caused her to barrel into her bail, which was just a huge mess.  That said, she managed to keep it down to a form break, and most certainly did not fall.  Let me repeat that: Jordyn Wieber did not fall on bars.  No fall.  So the next person who says "She shouldn't have won because she FELL!" gets a punch to the crotch. 

Following that, she got her routine back on track.  She more or less hit the rest of her handstands, and held on to her ridiculously low tkatchev.  That skill needs to go like, yesterday.  She reminds me of when my cat scoots her butt across the carpet.  However, she saved the best for last, and absolutely nailed the shit out of her double layout dismount.  I don't know what's up with the downgrade, but I'll take a beautiful, stuck DLO over just about any other dismount any day.  That's just me though. 

What is important is that despite having a major error, Jordyn came back and blasted through the rest of her routine.  Fuck up in the interior of the routine, and you simply cannot afford to step on the dismount.  Which she did not.  And that's why she's the world champion.

Naturally, Jordyn was to be followed by Viktoria, with her perfect uneven bars body and delightful swing.  Yeah, she goes a little overboard with the inbar stalders (I think I counted five?) but whatever, they're all pretty.  She knows how to hit handstands like a motherfucker.  However, there are exceptions...

She was as late on her inbar stalder full as Jordyn was on her clear hip.  Yeah, the hip angles are different, but those are each .5 deductions.  I love how everyone and their mother, including Tim Dagget's mother, ranted about Jordyn's late handstand, but largely ignored Vika's.  

No one seems to know why in the world she does that messed up 1/2 turn before her dismount.  I don't know why it's there.  It just gives her two chances to not hit handstands.  It makes no sense.  Then, a little step on the dismount.  I know it's just a little step, but I'm betting she wishes she could take back just one of these little fuckers.  One less teeny step, and she'd be the one giving up her NCAA eligibility right now.  You know, if they had that in Russia.  

Could you IMAGINE if the NCAA recruited Russians?  I would die.  Viktoria would go to UCLA, while Nabieva would head straight to Bama, obvs.  Musty to Florida...  I digress. 

So after two events, things seem pretty self explanatory.  Jordyn threw down on vault, while Viktoria was all "Come at me, bro!" on uneven bars.  1-1. 

Up first on beam was Komova.  She opened up with a lovely punch front, followed by her signature pass of LOSO-LOSO. 

Side rant: it depresses me that this pass is like the height of beam passes in 2011.  Don't get me wrong, Vika's performance of said pass is DIVINE.  There is no denying that.  What gets me is that bitches have been doing this pass since, what, the eighties??  Three LOSOs in a row was the norm fifteen years ago.  FIFTEEN MOTHERFUCKING YEARS AGO.  But that was all shot to hell when it was decided that skills shouldn't be repeated, and then further tossed down the drain when dynamic connections were more or less eliminated from the code.  I mean, yeah, I guess you could do LOSOx3, and while it would give you four hundred bonus Spanny-points, it wouldn't get you jack shit in real life.  So what's the point?  Might as well do a front aerial- pause pause pause- arm swing- BHS- LOSO.  Because that's a connection. 

Anyway, right, Vika's beam.  Gorgeous LOSOx2.  Fluffy dance, fluffy dance, and then the arabian.  She manages to land it so upright, it's unreal most times.  Other times, like today, it's a little off, and she bends at the waist to save it.  This is where it all goes downhill for Vika.  It seems as though once she has a bobble, they just keep coming until the very end.  And this routine was no exception.  She fared well on her leap pass of split leap (which I'm not going to cap.  There is no point, we all know she has gorgeous leaps,)- wolf jump.  Wolf jumps are, by nature, very fugly skills, but she manages to make them look pretty and delicate.  

Her L turn was decent, keeping her leg up long enough to rotate the spin, but dropped it before she could connect to her front aerial.  The aerial itself came with a balance check, which she had to upright before she could do her sheep jump, which had, what else, its own wobble.  Lots of bobbles, zero connections.  

Side somi was fine.  Back on track, she went for the double turn, which only got about 1.63 times around.  But since the code only counts halves, she was scored as having done a 1.5 turn.  She eagerly dismounted with a BHS-BHS- high double tuck, which was landed with a low chest and a sizable step backwards.  

Wieber came out and pulled a "Jordyn," and by that I mean she came back after a dismal bar routine and annihilated beam. As she tends to do.  She nailed her "pass" of front aerial-arm swing-one armed BHS-LOSO.  She did it as well as it can be done.  Because let's accept it, this is not a connecting pass, and never has been.  But the code doesn't give a shit about a little thing we like to call DYNAMIC CONNECTIONS.  Suck it, code.  All the same, nary a wobble on the pass. 

I love how everyone likes to bitch about Jordyn not hitting 180 on her splits.  "Lack of split!" they claim.  Well, assholes can suck it, because bitch hits her splits.  Accept that.

The first wobble is on her side somi, and even then it's just a slight arm wave.  Her L turn was amazing, so much so that even Elfi, who is like minutes away from getting Vika's name tattooed on her ass, starts to audibly pant over it.  The next visible error came during her PIVOT TURN.  It was just a super slight waiver, but even still, it's a pivot turn.  I have no idea what is going on there, because she made the exact same error during event finals.  I mean, whatever, I shouldn't judge, but it's a pivot turn.  A pivot turn. 

In a change from her routine from nationals, Jordyn left out the extra half, and stuck with a comparatively easy switch side leap.  She also left out the extra turn she had been adding after the L turn.  Hmmm.  I'd assume those will go back in before London.  Lovely side aerial, then it's time to prep for the full-BHS.

People need to shut up about this full-BHS.  Crediting non-connections has been en vouge for like ten years now.  You think that the world AA final is going to be the first time that the judges are all "Wait a minute, that wasn't connected!"  No.  Unless you stop moving entirely, the judges seem to consider it a connection.  She has a minor balance check after the full, but she never loses momentum.  Those arms keep moving, her body keeps moving.  Do I agree that it is a connection?  No.  Does the code think it's a connection?  Yes.  Thus, she was credited with the connection. (I'm assuming that it was credited.  Who knows what the judges really did.)

It really reminds me of those horrid leaps everyone keeps adding to their passes on floor.  Like, one out of ten are actually rebounded leaps.  The rest are landed, swing arms to set, then a leap.  And those all count.  So until the code figures that out what connections are, people are going to get credited.  Including Jordyn.

Moving on, Jordyn dismounted with her lovely, clean 2.5, with a step on the landing.  Three very minor bobbles aside, Wieber absolutely destroyed her routine.  Komova, while without falls, still had a number of large errors.  Plus, she lost a shitton of connection, so that sucks.  Pretty simple, Jordyn takes beam.  2-1.

Time for the final event: floor.

Being that she qualified in second, Jordyn had to go first.  I love this floor routine so much.  To any asshole who tries to pull the "But that Jordyn Wieber routine should get artistry deductions!  It's not very creative..." card, I only have this to say to you: do less crack.  Jordyn has arguably the most creative and well performed routine in existence today.  It has lots and lots of different movement that utilizes the entire floor.  She uses all sorts of levels.  Some girls do their obligatory "must get my hips near the ground" pose, but Jordyn has multiple moments where she's up high, down low, to the side.  You get it.  She is remarkably expressive with the music.  But above all else, it is entertaining.  She obviously enjoys it.  And when the performer enjoys themselves, it's hard for the audience to avoid having a good time too.

Artistry is such a subjective term.  Too many people assume that ballet = artistry.  It does not.  There are so many different styles of movement that can convey emotion; ballet is but one of them.  So artistry trolls, STFU.

Onward.  Jordyn opened with the Silivas, and aside from a small slide back, it was beautiful.  Her legs, her toes, everything is always where it needs to be.  Her chest was close to being considered too low, but I don't know that it was low enough to garner a deduction.  She followed with her 1.5 through to triple, with which she gave up the same slight slide backwards.  That stick rule is such a bitch.  It is easily the most hated aspect of the current code for me.  Easily.  What was wrong with lunging?  Now most landings resemble little kids trying to march through mud.

Jordyn nailed her triple pirouette, and hit her leap passes.  Her 180 DEGREE leap passes.  Back in August, I watched Jordyn warm up these leaps over and over, working really hard to stick them.  What good is a great leap if you stumble out of it?  The hard work seemed to pay off, because she nearly stuck them cold in Tokyo.  Every little tenth, you know?  No skill ever seems like a throwaway to her. 

Next, Wieber went into her 2.5-punch layout pass, which has given her problems all summer.  This was no exception, and it resulted in a step out of bounds.  As in, she landed in bounds, and took a step out of bounds.  In bounds, then out of bounds.  Some people seemed to think that she landed ass-first out of bounds, and should have just ended the routine there and hit the showers.  In real life, it was just your run-of-the-mill step out of bounds.  Not the end of the world.  Jordyn, being Jordyn, didn't let that phase her, and instead stuck her double pike cold.  I know it's cliched, but it's true: leaving a good impression on the judges makes a difference.  She ended that routine, and her entire night, on the best note possible.  That's why she's the world champion.

The final routine of the night belonged to Viktoria Komova.  She knew the score she needed to win, and it was easily within her reach.  These are the moments that make or break competitors.  Some girls live off of this shit, and others... don't.

Vika opened up with her 1.5 through to double arabian.  And while it was landed much, much better than in team finals, there was still a minor hop.  I know it seems like I'm harping on her little hops and such, but seriously, one of these bitches cost her the title.  She followed with a double tuck.  Is that a place holder for something else?  Why is she doing a double back?  Despite the relative ease of the skill, she still took a huge bounce backwards on the landing.  If you're going to do a plain old double tuck, you'd better stick the hell out of it.  She makes a point of it to then take another step to get into the correct position, like where she would have landed had she not had the huge bounce.  I've never understood that.  She's not the only gymnast to do it, but I just figure, if you've already taken the step, either cover it up or move on.  Each additional step taken is another reminder to the judges that you're not where you're supposed to be. 

I know other people don't like the 80s breakdown of her Swan Lake music, but I live for it.  There just such a delicious Romania-in-the-80s flavor to it.  The bangs, the bitchface, the unflexed wrists.  WIN WIN WIN!  After her sassy little breakdown, Vika stepped into her double L turn, which wasn't great.  It was fully rotated, but the free leg kind of flies up and down throughout the turn.  This was followed by the prescribed leaps and jumps, which Vika again did not stick.  You gots to stick your jumps.  She came THISCLOSE to sticking her triple full, but there was still just the most miniscule of hops.  She almost seems like she lands fine, but then moves her feet as she stands up.  Maybe once she gets some meat on her bones, she'll be able to absorb those landings.  Or maybe it was just the super bouncy floor in Japan, who knows.  All the same, a step is a step is a step.

The next semi-major error in the routine was Vika's Memmel turn.  Side note: it slays me that Memmel, Strug and Gogean each have major dance elements named after them.  Back on topic, Komova both under-rotated and fell out of her turn.  She reminds me of Shawn Johnson, in the sense that she stops to finish every. single. skill.  And while it's not a bad thing, it further exaggerates her mistakes at times.  In this case, she fell out of the turn, lunged, stepped back into her finish position, and did the signature "I'm finished" head bob, which is really just a Russian salute.  Or as the preschoolers call them, a "ta-da!"  I'm being very nitpicky, but it just makes her mistakes seem a bit more obvious.  Khorkina would have improvised some slinky dance move out of that turn, and the judges would have been blown away and added seven Khorkina-points for pizazz.

She ended her routine with the same final skill as Jordyn, with an extremely different result.  While Jordyn's double pike was high and stuck, Vika landed with a very low chest (Yang Yilin-low) and stumbled forward.  And again, instead of moving quickly to correct her error, she stood up very slowly, and then kind of crumpled into her finishing pose. 

Look familiar?

That slow reaction gives the judges all sorts of time to realize and focus on her mistake.  Jordyn left the judges with a stunning final impression, while Viktoria did not.  And that's why she's not the world champion.

While both athletes had their mistakes, Jordyn performed better than Vika on FX.  Landings and sureness of performance both belonged to Jordyn.  3-1.

Jordyn out-performed Viktoria on three of the four events.  While she had a major error on bars, it wasn't enough for Vika to take over with two sub-par efforts.  And really, that's what they were.  Everyone knows that Komova is capable of much better than what she offered on the night of finals, especially on beam and floor.  While Jordyn's routines weren't executed as well as they could be, she was closer to her ultimate potential than Vika was.  Ultimately, that won her the meet. 

Of course, we'd all prefer that every competitor was perfect, and in a race of perfection we'd wait to see who was more perfect on that perfect night.  But the reality is, especially with the code we currently have in place, there are going to be mistakes.  And because gymnastics is not a single-elimination event, even those who make errors are allowed to keep competing.  It's not dodgeball, you don't have to go sit by the wall once you've been hit.  Or in this case, arch your back on a bail.  The great competitors will take that error, and use it as motivation to be even better for the rest of the meet.  Jordyn sure did.  And that is why she is the current world champion.

i've put plastic on your chair, so feel free to wet yourself with excitement.

Ugh.  Worlds and Pan Ams are finished.  There is always a post-Worlds lull, and usually we just bide our time until Scam.  Not this year.  Oh no.  THIS year, we've got a little thing called THE RETURN OF MAKE IT OR BREAK IT to look forward to!  Although I have no clue when that is actually happening.  Whatever.  Until then, we continue with our first season recaps.  For those following along, we are about to embark on what was the second episode of the first season.  Ready?  OK.

We start inside of the Kmetko household, where the lovely and divine Bitchface Chloe is frantically tearing up the apartment, in search of her resumes.  Emily, long before her demonic transformation, is all chill and tells her mother to relax, because she's totally going to find a job soon.

On the car ride to the Rock, Bitchface Chloe apologizes to Emily for being kind of a spaz, but Emily reassures her and is all "It's coo, yo.  By the way, I may not have a scholarship, which is like all of our income right now."  Understandably, Bitchface is all like "WTF??" but Emily is still super calm and collected and nice to her mother.  These were the good days. 

Workout is in full swing at the Rock.  Some girls are swinging giants, that one pot-bellied girl is doing the L5 beam routine in the background, and we even see a Bross-stand.

Despite a few hard workers, for the most part, everyone is just dicking around in what appears to be one huge open gym.  Ugh, those terrify me.  You'd go to Open Gym with like 400 kids, and they'd be sprinting all around, not unlike the kids at the Rock.  It was too dangerous to tumble or vault, because sure as shit, as soon as you took off, some ten year old chunker would come running in front of you and totally ruin everything.

Kaylie and Creepy Carter are on opposite ends of the gym texting each other, while one of the SAG coaches stupidly asks for a spotter.  Two things: 1. Why can't you spot?  And 2. Silly man, there are no spotters at the Rock!  I think Payson spots the team throughout most of the second season.

More random extras comment on what a shit-show the gym has become in the one day since Marty left to go coach Lauren and the other hoes over in Denver.  Kaylie's dad and her mother, the Cryptkeeper, are in the office trying to sort things out.  Why is that guy in charge?  And how is his head so shiny?  It's like he put his melon in the Shine-O-Ball-O from the Simpsons.  Anyway, the Cryptkeeper and Shiny wonder who the hell they're going to get to coach all of these misfits.

On beam, poor Payson is being coached by some random guy, who sounds like he's been reading the International Gymnast message board.  All he can manage to do is bark at her about squaring her hips.

Oh, and Payson's parents are totally just chilling, having a discussion while rambling around the gym, only stopping directly in front of the beam.  On the mats.  In their shoes.  And no one cares.  They stand there IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GYM to talk about how they're finally being invited to board meetings.  Meanwhile, after Payson wobbles after a side somi, IGF coach says "You did it again!" but never says what IT is.  After she botches a tuck jump, he again yells "SQUARE YOUR HIPS!" and then Payson flips her shit at him.  She freaks out that IGF coach isn't Marty, and then runs out of the gym.  Kaylie follows her, so we are left with some girl in a floral leotard that is seriously too high cut.  

No bueno.  The girls run outside, and lament over the current state of the gym.  Payson is distraught, being left by a coach she had been with for two years (doesn't she say later in the season that she moved to Rock when she was 12?  Is she supposed to be 14 here?  The fudge?)  The girls brainstorm, and decide to go to Denver themselves to figure out what the hell Marty is doing with that scag Lauren.

Back in the gym, we're treated to a quick little montage of happenings around the gym, which I'm guess was spliced together using shots from the pilot episode, because I see Lauren just sitting around (isn't that bitch supposed to be in Denver??)

And Emily putting on her robe before retreating to her trailer. 

What would this show do without me?  Sigh.  Next, we see Kaylie's older brother Leo strut into the rock.   A gaggle of underaged girls come to swarm him.

What happened to the Leo from the first episode?

I don't even... whatever.  What matters is that Leo is back at the Rock, and the gaggle of girls shows us that he is desired and attractive.  Just so we know.  Emily marches into the office, wondering WTF is up with her scholarship now that Marty bailed.  Shiny is a dick to her, and simply cannot be bothered with the problems of poor people.  He jets out of the office, right as Leo walks in.  He and Emily have a moment, as all boys in Boulder are inexplicably drawn to that girl. 

Over in Denver, Lauren and the hoes are working out at a real gym.  Like, with a pit and everything.

TWO sets of bars?  And chalk?  Get real.  Lauren is on beam, while all of the real Denver gymnasts marvel about how FABULOUS she is.

Of course, this means they're also intimidated by her, and choose to ignore her, not unlike what she did to Emily.  Because if there's one thing we know, it's that all girls are huge bitches, and cannot ever be nice to or support one another.

Daddy Tanner and Sister Mary Summer have some lame discussion about going public with their relationship.  As if anyone other than Lauren cares.  We don't.

At the Cruz's gigantic compound, Kaylie receives a cell phone call from inside her own house.  My mom used to do that all of the time.  In Kaylie's case, it's Creepy Carter being a huge stalker, and calling her from inside the laundry room. 

Isn't this how the movie Scream started?  So fucking creepy.  He convinces her to come down to the laundry room so he can molest her.

While Kaylie and the Rock girls are at home, the Denver Elite hoes are still at practice, which explains why they're better.  Tarah Paige Chellevold hides in the background, as if we're not going to see her, while Lauren continues to be ignored by the other hoes.

Lauren stomps off to look for Daddy, who she finds in a steamy embrace with Sister Mary Summer.  GASP!

Lauren calls Sister Mary out for being a slut and a gold-digger, and walks out.  Simple as that.

Ugh, now we have to see Kaylie and Creepy Carter make out all over the laundry room.  Fucking disgusting.  Like, I don't think it's cute.  I do not find it flattering or romantic when guys become obsessed with girls, which Creepy Carter is, let's be realistic.  He stalks her at her house, and gets mad when she explains to him that right now, her family and her sport come first.  The girl is in high school, leave her the fuck ALONE.  He then continues his abuse by turning it around on her, and accusing her of making excuses not to be with him.  PSYCHO.  And she reacts as such, so good for her.  But then they take turns grabbing each others heads, so I guess everything is all better now.  Gross.  Thank goodness Shiny comes home, and demands to know where his daughter is.  This girl must have so many daddy-creepy stalker boyfriend issues, it's not even funny.

Creepy Carter hides from Shiny in the laundry room, only to be discovered by Leo.  Leo doesn't seem weirded out at all that his friend is stalking his little sister. 

Over at the Pizza Shack, Emily is having some meaningless conversation with that weasel Razor.  Something about super powers, I don't even know.  Lucky for us, Bitchface Chloe comes racing into the Shack, and pulls Emily out of work so she can attend the last minute, super important Rock meeting being held at the Cruz's. 

The Keelor's also thought to bring the children to the meeting, which pisses off the Cryptkeeper.  Payson and her awesome sister Becca from Bridesmaids go up to visit Kaylie in her room.  Kaylie is paging through some old gymnastics magazine, and lands upon the most horribly photoshopped picture of all time.

*****Thanks to Senor Nico, we know the source of this little Photoshop horror!*****

Speaking of Marty, the girls remember their plan to go ambush him down in Denver.  Downstairs, Shiny is busy reliving his glory days of being some baseball player.  He stops only to ask the Keelors if they know any rich people to be on the Rock board.  Naturally, the Keelors are butthurt, because they assumed that they were going to be invited to the board.  Not so.  They're too poor, and poor people can't make decisions at the gym.

Speaking of poor, the Kmetkos show up to the Cruz's.  The Cryptkeeper is again all pissed because Emily is there, and there just simply is not enough shrimp dip for all of these CHILDREN.  When Kaylie and Payson come downstairs to say that they're going to head out to Moose Juice, the Cryptkeeper makes sure that they take awesome Becca from Bridesmaids and Emily with them. 

But this doesn't fly with Kaylie and Payson.  Once they get outside, they explain that it's nothing personal, but Emily and awesome Becca from Bridesmaids should just wait in the cars outside for the next few hours, which Emily happily does.

I want Payson's jacket.  And what is happening to that wall in the background??  Anyway, Becca from Bridesmaids is not as content as Emily to be left out, so the other girls explain to her that they need to go see Marty.  Emily hears this, and is all "Oh hail no, not without me!" because she needs him to sign her scholarship papers.  So all four of them end up in the car on the way to Denver.

I love how they make it seem like Denver is a million miles away, and that this is some grand road trip.  Isn't it like a half hour drive?

It does seem a lot longer, because they won't stop jabbering about loser guys they'd want to kiss.  Meanwhile, back at the Rock meeting, Bitchface Chloe is snooping through the house, and lands on one of the Cryptkeeper's platinum records hanging on the walls.  Oh yeah, she was a recording artist back in the 70s, I guess.  Bitchface gets super excited, and then the two of them make some joke about being born in the 70s, which I didn't get at all.  Moving on, the Keelors are still butthurt about being blown off for the Rock board.  They trash Shiny and the Cryptkeeper, but since they're such good parents, they decide to keep mum about other gyms trying to recruit Payson.

Shiny stands up, and informs the crowd that since he is the only adult there with experience as a professional athlete, this somehow makes him qualified to replace not only Daddy Tanner, but Marty as well.  Who actually owns this gym?  Shiny is under the impression that no one knows about Marty's defection, but guess what, motherfucking HOUSTON knows, and they're trying to recruit Payson, per Payson's mom.  The Cruzs are alternately shocked and freaked out because their daughter isn't getting phone calls yet.  Payson's mom uses this as a chance to assert her position in the Rock.  Perhaps, as the parents of the #1 girl at the gym, they know a little something about how things should be handled.  As if any of this shit matters.

Back in Denver, Lauren is swinging bars, and oh yeah, she's brunette now.

She looks like Aly up in there.  She's back the blonde by the dismount though, just in time to see Payson and Co. walk in.  Payson marches directly up to Marty, and has a word with him.  If you hadn't watched the first episode, one would think that it was a lover's quarrel.  Payson's beef with him is disturbingly personal.

Ugh, I like the Denver Elite warmups too!  If someone in props should send me one, I would love you forever and ever.

Payson's meltdown causes the entire gym to stop what they're doing, which is unacceptable, so Marty drags her into the office.  Lauren takes this opportunity to call out Kaylie for her romance with that nasty Creepy Carter.  When Kaylie doesn't give her the response she wants, she then turns on Emily, and blames her for everything that is wrong in her life.  But Emily doesn't bite either, and just reminds Lauren that she beat her.

Back in the office, Payson starts talking like William Shatner, and keeps.... pausing while she... wonders why Marty left.... her.  In order to protect her feelings, and to motivate the shit out of her, Marty lies and says he left to coach the Denver hoes because, frankly, they're better gymnasts than Payson is.  His plan works like a charm, and Payson immediately gets off of his back and vows to be the best gymnast EVER just to prove him wrong.  She doesn't need to see him... EVER again.  Problem solved.

Because Payson's all ballsy now, she grabs Emily's scholarship paperwork and brings it to Marty to be signed.  Again, problem solved.

After the girls leave, Lauren is stopped by Sister Mary Summer on her way to the car.  Summer kindly asks Lauren to grow up and stop spazzing about her relationship with Daddy Tanner.  Lauren gives us, almost verbatim, the exact same speech that she gives Bitchface Chloe later on in the series.  You're just gold-digging, my dad goes through hoes like crazy, etc and so forth.  And Sister Mary Summer responds with the exact same line that Bitchface Chloe uses: "Don't underestimate me."

The girls are on their way home, and stop at the gas station to get gas.  Naturally, they pick the shadiest gas station ever, the Zippystop.

And of course, where there is a shady gas station, there is a gang of ruffians.

Extremely cliched ruffians.  Baggy pants: check.  Booze in a paper bag: check.  Backwards hat: check.  They all start cat calling the girls, and being generally creepy.  Not as creepy as Creepy Carter, but still threatening.  Payson isn't about to put up with this bullshit, so she does what any girl would do when she's about to get raped: a bunch of layout stepouts!

This was the moment that I knew I would love this show forever.

The ruffians are terrified by such ninja action.  The girls turn their backs to the gang of thugs, and strut away.  They get in the car, and everyone has a good chuckle.  They arrive home like 40 hours later, despite Denver being like 20 miles away, and Shiny is pissed.  Leo offers to drive the girls home, probably because he wants to bang Emily.  He and Emily chat in the car about not using grips, even though I'm pretty sure Emily actually uses grips.  Afterwards, Emily walks inside, and Bitchface Chloe is so excited about how the Rock meeting went that she decides to go pick up some ice cream to celebrate.  Emily and her sometimes-there brother discuss how long it will take for their mother to get lost.  Answer: not very long.

Meanwhile, the Cryptkeeper is on a mission of her own.  She rolls up to Marty's place, and tells him that they can no longer bone.  SCANDAL!  She apologizes for their affair ruining his life, and lets him know that should the information go public, that she'll be fine.  Aww, such a nice Cryptkeeper.  Then they start to bang. 

Bitchface Chloe, lost as all hell, of course rolls up at this exact moment.

Next, we see a montage of the four girls, each in their various beds.  First is Payson, who sits up, and begins to do what one would assume is her beam routine.

She is obviously OCD and needs help from a therapist, STAT.  Emily just lays there and plays with her callouses, while Kaylie texts with Creepy Carter.  Being an overbearing stalker, he wants to know where she was all night.  Lauren is on her laptop, looking through old pictures.  Most are of her and the girls, back when they were all BFFs.  However, she lingers on a picture of her and Creepy Carter.  For fuck's sake.  What do people see in this guy?!  Disgusting.

Daddy Tanner is awoken in bed by a phone call from Marty.  Marty tells Daddy to go to hell, and that he's done being pushed around.  Daddy tries to blackmail him, but it doesn't work.  Dun dun DUNNN.  Whatever will Daddy and Lauren do now?  Find out next week/whenever I do the next recap.

Until then, my friends, maybe your scores be unbiased, and your gas stations be ruffian-free!

i just ended our toilet paper shortage with this enormous check. wipe away!

Jordyn Wieber announced today that she will be going pro.  Cue the insanity.

I don't really see what there is so get insane about, but, you know, it's the internet gymnastics community, so of course people will be losing their minds.

First of all, most people seem to be making this about John Geddert, because he was quoted saying that NCAA does "watered down" gymnastics in comparison to the elite level skills Jordyn is currently does

OMG THE AUDACITY.  HOW DARE HE?!

But seriously, NCAA does watered down gymnastics in comparison to the elite level skills Jordyn currently does.  Like, this is an indisputable fact, is it not?  Jordyn would not be throwing Amanars at the Super Six.  She would not be performing double doubles in the SEC.  Her Weiler kips might have stayed, but that's it.

Despite this fact, people are acting as if what Geddert really said was "NCAA sucks, they're all fat, I'm the King of Zamunda, so go get me a sandwich."  

Here's the actual quote:

"We still need to keep our eye on the prize," Geddert said of the London Games. "I'm supportive of the idea in that Jordyn isn't cut out for college gymnastics. I don't think the 14 weekends in a row doing watered-down gymnastics, that's not what she's all about. When you compete with the best in the world, I don't see her sinking her teeth into that type of situation."

What is so offensive about that?  God forbid that he's right, in that maybe Jordyn wouldn't be super fulfilled doing NCAA gymnastics.  Don't get me wrong, I love NCAA.  I get my subscription to CBS every year, I dutifully cheer on the best team on the planet (UCLA, obvs,) and I eagerly anticipate seeing the girls blossom and thrive in a supportive team setting.

But it's not for everyone.  I get that.  I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been hoping Jordyn would join UCLA and wow us with some divine Miss Val choreography, but I still appreciate that maybe collegiate level gymnastics is not for her.

But, yeah, what kind of monster is Geddert for supporting such a horrifying idea?  The key word here being SUPPORTING.  I have no idea why people are assuming that he made this decision for her.  It's not as if Jordyn is some orphan cyborg.  She has her own mind, and two parents who I would assume want what's best for their child.  Jordyn's not even like, the first in line as far as Wieber children go.  With a sister in med school, and a kind of hot (don't judge me) older brother who is some sort of high school football star, I don't think her parents are sitting around brainstorming different ways to exploit their child.  If this is what she wants, and what her parents want, then what is the problem?

Oh wait, the problem is Geddert acknowledging any of that publicly.  The nerve.  For someone who has produced like a jillion scholarship kids, I doubt that he has some sort of disdain for NCAA.

And let's get one thing straight.  John Geddert is 100% most certainly NOT a modern day Steve Nunno.

As someone who grew up during the Steve Nunno era, I feel very qualified in my opinion that he was batshit crazy.  I wrongly disliked Shannon Miller for years, because I simply could not enjoy anyone who willingly put herself into this man's clutches every day.  What was just an observer's opinion of him became totally validated when Claudia Miller's book came out, essentially confirming what I already knew to be true: Steve Nunno was a nutjob.

When Geddert starts demanding agent's fees from the Wiebers, maybe then I'll compare the two.

For now, I just see him as a coach who is very proud of his gymnast, but also of his own work as a coach.  Again, heaven forbid a man ever toot his own horn and say to himself "You know what, I coached this girl to a world title.  I must be doing something right."  Yeah, what an asshole thing to say.  As a coach, I don't think it's so horrible to take pride in your work.  I don't know a thing about him as a person, but as a coach, I think he's doing alright.

I think Jordyn will be fine.  I think it will be hard, in a market already loaded with Shawns and Alicias and fame-hungry Nastias. However, Jordyn is a gorgeous girl who is at the top of her sport, so I'm sure she'll be able to fight for her share of endorsements. 

In parting, a quote from Young Buck:

Its all about money

Gettin major paid

Stack your cheese in all different ways

Tote your strap and keep your khakis creased

Yeah friend (edited for taste), you a thug like me?

you sing like diana ross and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.

I understand that it has been like, two weeks since the fact, but that doesn't matter because I am still seriously butthurt by Nastia Thunderstealer Liukin.  All summer long, she was all "Please, don't ask me about my comeback.  I want all of the attention to go to the real, competing gymnasts."  As it should be. What a welcome surprise that was, after the last 2+ years of her trying to play coy.  Here's my comeback FX routine, complete with 3 backhandsprings in a row!  Johnny R. stole my phone, and "leaked" videos of me doing bars!  Here's a picture of a rip on my hand!  What does this mean???

My response has always been, "Less talky, more el-grippy." 

My annoyed ambivalence turned into annoyed rage in the moments following Team USA's amazing prelims competition.  I was literally and figuratively high at 3 o'clock in the morning, due to a combination of painkillers and the stellar 100% hit ratio of the team.  No pill will ever make me happier than knowing that Miss Gabrielle Douglas was the 5th best gymnast in the world on that day.  My fingers were cramping from having to reload like ten different pages for quickhits every five seconds, but I still managed to update Twitter maniacally.  When from upon my Twitter stream should I see waning reports of the historical team competition, and increasing frenzy over something else...  whatever was it??

Fucking Nastia. 

That bitch managed to play coy, keep mum, drag everyone along, whatever you want to call it, for nearly THREE YEARS.  And chooses this moment, this ONE MOMENT that had nothing to do with her, and decides to make it all about her.  Forget Dougie rocking her meet, or Jordyn qualifying in 2nd (and making UB finals say whaaaa) or Vega overcoming insaneo nerves to nail her shit.  It was all about NASTIA.

I mean, I guess Team USA did alright without her.  But really, is a team without Nastia really a team?  Do results without her name at the top really even count?  Probably not. 


AND ANOTHER THING!  Did she really say that the reason the team did so well was because she gave them a pep talk right beforehand?  It was the result of her motivational speech that gave the kids a "light in their eyes."  That wasn't a light, that was the reflection of your salmon colored parachute blouse.  Stop trying to take credit for shit that you had nothing to do with! 

She could have chosen any other moment to make her grand announcement.  She could have waited until worlds was over.  She could have waited until the day after prelims.  She could have waited an HOUR after prelims, but chose not to.  Why?  Because Nastia (or her agent) needs all of the attention always.

I know I'm being harsh.  I actually like Gymnast Nastia.  Should she miraculously regain and upgrade her skills, then yay for her.  The team would be lucky to have her.  THAT SAID, I'll believe when I see it, and until then, STFU.